Tuesday, August 10, 2004

"Music Is My Savior"

I do not deserve to have the parents I have. I'm just not anywhere near as good a son as they ought to have, really.

See, for the past semester or two, I've been pretty damn unmotivated. I've made all these big plans, and failed to follow through on them. I've squandered time and resources dragging my feet.

I've also been horrible with my finances. I spend way more money than I ought to, and usually on frivolous and unnecessary things. The only reason I was able to go to Arkansas last week was because my mother gave me the money for the trip (it amounted to about $280 all told, 'cause she gave me money for gas and food and for the tux rental for Adam's wedding). Admittedly, I tried to watch my budgeting on that trip, and did a fairly decent job--I came back with some of the money still in my pocket. The only reason that happened was that Adam's parents were exceptionally generous and fed me at least one meal per day for the week I was in Clarksville.

Anyway, as I might've mentioned, I'm supposed to help take Beth and all her stuff down to Florida later this week. This is going to be something of an expensive (albeit short and quick) trip--we're driving down there, dropping her off, and coming back. We're not even staying overnight anywhere on the way down, but just driving straight through so we can get there and back quicker (Jess has to be back for work on Monday). While gas in Oklahoma and even Arkansas isn't too bad as far as price is concerned (and seems to be dropping, actually--I only paid $1.59/gallon earlier this afternoon), it's a long trip, and my car will be laden with Beth's stuff, the air conditioner will run the whole time, and my gas mileage is gonna go down the proverbial crapper.

On top of this expense, I have rent to pay tomorrow. I deposited a paycheck this afternoon, bringing the contents of my checking account up to a whopping $400. Rent is $472. The trip to Florida is going to cost somewhere between $150-$200 when all's said and done. You can see the obvious problem here.

So I called mom up this evening to ask her to transfer some money from my savings account to my checking account. As all conversations about my finances tend to, this conversation quickly turned into my mother and I bickering at each other about my spending habits. This, in turn, morphed into a heated discussion of my inability to accomplish my planned goals--goals which, it should be pointed out, I set for myself and then fail to meet. Most of my conversations with my mother for the past several months have followed this pattern, and I've gotten rather tired of it. The problem is that mom thinks she's pointing out my past mistakes and screw-ups in a way that she thinks will allow me to learn from them. Unfortunately, the way I'm perceiving her comments can be summed up as this: "Chuck, you're a fuck-up."

Anyway, when the conversation took the inevitable turn towards my problem with completing my goals, I decided I didn't want that lecture tonight. So I exploded. I chewed my mom out. I told her off for constantly riding my ass about every little thing, and told her that the way she kept bringing up my failings just sent the "Chuck, you're a fuck-up" signal (and that was the phrase I used when I talked to her). I yelled, I lost my temper, I vented my anger, I acted bitter and resentful and spiteful. Partly I did it because that's really how I feel about the way she keeps reminding me. I know she means well, but her tone of voice always seems to imply that she thinks I'm just a fuck-up.

Mostly, though, I did it because I knew, deep down, that she's right, and that's a hard thing to face.

Anyway, after I calmed down (which happened eventually), we agreed that she'd transfer $300 from my savings account tomorrow so I could pay rent and go to Florida. Then we hung up.

Ten minutes later, the phone rings. It's mom again. She says that she and my father discussed things, and they decided that since I didn't really get a vacation (well, aside from going to Arkansas for weddings and this trip to Florida, the latter of which really isn't that much of a vacation and the former being more of a quick jaunt to Arkansas, never the paradisical hotspot in the U.S.), they were going to give me an additional $300 on top of the $300 transferred from savings.

This is, mind you, after I'd spent a good ten minutes yelling at her the last time we'd talked. Needless to say, I was speechless for a minute, and felt very, very worthless. There was no way I deserved that extra money. Here I'd gone off on my mother, chewing her out for having my best interests at heart, and she turns around and just gives me more money.

Well, I thanked her as profusely as I was capable of at that moment, and apologized equally profusely and humbly for yelling at her. I just...I dunno, I've been so worried about money of late, especially since I seem incapable of controlling my spending habits. It's kept me up nights, it's worried me sick, it made me break down in tears when I was talking with mom earlier about how I wasn't sure how I was going to pay rent in September or afford tuition or pay for books (that was right before I started yelling at her). And then she turns around and...does this. Just hands over a pile of cash, no strings attached, no real reason other than she wanted me to have it and wanted me to be able to do the things I want to do. That's how my parents have always been--never extravagent, but always willing to provide for my brothers and me and grant us the ability (if it was within their power to do so) to do anything we really wanted or needed to do.

I don't deserve the parents I have, but I'm damn happy that I have them. I'm grateful for them, and I know damn well that I don't tell them that often enough. I think I'm going to start, though.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: Wilco, "Sunken Treasure"

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awww, Chuck! You yelled at your mom? That wasn't good. Ok, I've yelled at my mom before too. But wow! But I know your mom loves you and I'm sure that's part of the reason why she gave you the extra money. Of course, there's always a lesson to be learned here and it looks like you've learned it.

Melissa

Anonymous said...

Awww, Chuck! You yelled at your mom? That wasn't good. Ok, I've yelled at my mom before too. But wow! But I know your mom loves you and I'm sure that's part of the reason why she gave you the extra money. Of course, there's always a lesson to be learned here and it looks like you've learned it.

Melissa

Chuck Cottrell said...

Yeah, I learned a lesson and all that. I'm just glad I didn't upset her more. And subsequent conversations (there've been a couple) have gone well, so that's good.