"I'm Not The Wreck Of The Hesperus"

So I was reading a friend of mine's Live Journal the other day, and he was talking about caring about other people's opinions and how he hasn't ever really cared what other people think of him. That's a terrible paraphrase and oversimplification, but it serves the purpose I've set to it for this post.

See, unlike my friend, I've lived most of my life seeking confirmation and the approval of those around me. First it was my parents--the worst punishment they could heap upon me wasn't a spanking, wasn't taking away videogames or TV or even books and music (all of which they did). It wasn't even yelling, though they did a lot of that, too (keep in mind that all of this was quite justified and deserved; I was not abused by my parents in any way, shape, or form). No, the worst thing they could do to me (and still do to me) is tell me that they're disappointed in me. It crushed me every time.

Really, if you look at the way I've structured a lot of my life, I've been seeking approval from others all along. Getting a BA was a way of seeking academic and professional approval; the Master's degree is even moreso. I've posted my work, both in the form of poetry, prose, comics, and even songs on the internet for all to see, and made methods of contacting me to share ideas very available and open. Hell, I even enabled comments on this blog so I could get other people's opinions on what I've said and thought. I'm constantly seeking not only feedback, but someone to say, "hey, yeah, I agree with you," or "yeah, I like what you wrote/drew/sang." Part of this is a genuine desire to share what I've done, to entertain, to amuse or stir the heart of someone I've never even met, or the hearts of those I hold dear already. But another part of it is a desire to have people justify what I've done and am doing. I crave that in a way that almost borders on obsessive.

To be honest, there's not really anything wrong with any of that, per se. If taken too far, it means that I'm really living my life for others rather than myself (or letting others dictate what I do, i.e., "selling out"). But I don't let it go that far--I only really do what I want to do, the way I want to do it. For instance, take the comics I've been doing lately, the whole Yellowstone story--this is a story I did because I wanted to do it. It amuses me, it entertains me. It also happens to entertain Clif and at least a few others (we do get 130-odd visitors per day, so folks must be coming back and liking what they see). Every time I talk to Clif, I ask him if he's been keeping up with the comic, if he's seen what I've done with his character, if he likes what's going on. I always show comic ideas to a few of my friends, ask their opinions on them, see what they think. I post stories on the Live Journal, hoping other people will read them and tell me what they think. Admittedly, in the final analysis, I do what I want to do--I take everyone else's opinions into consideration, but ultimately I do the comic I want to do, or write the story I want to write. It's not so much that I seek to conform to what others want, but that I want people to approve of what I wanted to do.

Maybe none of that makes sense to anyone else. Maybe it makes perfect sense. I dunno. It makes sense to me, I know, and that's all that really matters, right?

See, even when I'm making a statement about my stance, I'm still seeking approval of that stance. Eesh.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: Beatles, "Free as a Bird"