"And If You Took To Me Like A Gull Takes To The Wind"

I was thinking earlier this afternoon about where I am in life right now. I know I do the whole "state of life" thing all too often, but it just sorta happens when you're in a transition period, y'know?

When I came to OU, I wasn't happy about it. I was, actually, quite miserable and not at all pleased with coming to this school to get my Master's degree. Part of the problem was that I feared I would never escape; I believed that if I stayed in Oklahoma for even a couple of years to get this degree, I'd never get to leave. Not leaving this place has been my greatest fear for the past almost three years. It sapped my enthusiasm, it stole my drive, it rendered me incapable of getting things accomplished at anything like the speed I should have been capable of. Things were just bleak. I look back over the things I wrote during that time, in terms of stories, songs, blog entries...I was seriously depressed and didn't even realize it most of the time. Yes, there were some good moments, and I have some wonderful friends whom I would not have met if I'd not come here, and I've loved my job for the most part. Coming here was good in several ways, even if it wasn't ideally what I'd wanted.

So everything happens for a reason, right? There's an ultimate purpose behind everything that happens, I believe. It's sorta that whole predestination thing that Presbyterians are supposed to believe in that I've never really been all that comfortable with (well, not in terms of it defining whether a person is "saved" or not. I still think there's some human element to that, and free will and all that). But everything happens for a reason, I think. I just don't see the world as a totally random place where things happen by chance. That doesn't jive with my view of reality. So I guess I was here for a reason. Maybe it was to teach me patience. Maybe it was so I'd have a place to be until I could go where I needed to go. Maybe it just allowed me to grow up a little bit (which I think I definitely needed), and showed me what was really important and what wasn't.

And now I'm ready to leave. I am leaving, in just over two months. And there was a sense of joy to that thought as I left my apartment this afternoon for work, but also a sense of sadness that I had not expected. I've somehow, against my will and better judgment, become attached to this place. Part of it is simply that OU and Norman are familiar now. I'm used to this place, I've grown comfortable with it, and going to a new place means learning a new place. While that's exciting, it's also frightening.

But really I have mostly optimistic feelings about leaving in July. I think my time here at OU has been well-spent, for the most part. I look forward to where I'm going next, and several friends in the Virginia/Maryland area seem to have created a Chuck-shaped hole for me to fill upon my arrival. Having a place to belong always goes a long way towards helping me acclimate, so I'm sure I'll have no trouble settling in in Virginia.

For once in the past three years, I have an overwhelming sense of hope for the future. I'm excited about what comes next, even though I really don't fully know what it'll be. A month or two ago, not knowing what's coming next scared me to death. Now it has a feeling of liberation and promise.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: The Shins, "New Slang"