"But The Moment Never Came"

Ever notice how we spend so much of our lives waiting for the right moment to come along? Lord knows it's been one of the defining characteristics of my life. I'm always waiting for just the right time--to do something, to ask a girl out, to actually make my life something. And, ironically, while I wait for life to begin, or for something to signal that this is the moment when my life should begin, my life is actually slipping away, one "wrong" moment at a time.

You know, there are actually people out there who make their own right moments. Who do things, who make active choices. Guess you could call them Neitzsche's ubermensch, actualized human beings who are masters of their own will and destiny. Me, I keep letting the flow of the day to day carry me along in the drifting current, never really doing anything that bucks the trend or the current. Sure, it makes me kinda Taoist, but it doesn't help me ever change my situation in life, does it?

And that's probably what needs to happen. I become very complacent very quick. It explains my weight problems--as soon as I get comfortable, and stop pushing myself, I start eating a lot, I stop watching what I eat and when I eat it, and I balloon up like Oprah. That's like a physical, tangible metaphor for my entire existence, I think, which is rather disturbing.

Thing is, I'm not really even sure how to go about making drastic changes in my life anymore. I guess going far off for grad school is a big step. Just have to get accepted first, really. But that change really scares me--the thought that I might be heading off for a place where I know no one, and end up spending all my time sitting in my apartment, or class, or the library, doing nothing social, never meeting people or making new friends. I mean, sure, once I actually start meeting people, I have no problems making friends. I'm a very amiable person, really, and I like to think that I can get along with almost anyone and that I'm rather likeable. It's just a matter of putting myself out there. Really, the only reason I had a lot of friends in both high school and college was that other people grabbed hold of me first, and I just sort of got dragged into circles.

But I guess I'll just have to see how all that turns out. As much as I want to be a master of my own destiny and make all sorts of important decisions, grad school is sorta out of my hands with the applications sent off.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Flaming Lips, "Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell"