"My Hands Were Clenched In Fists Of Rage"

I got a rejection letter from Washington University in St. Louis today. It did not make me happy. In fact, truth be told, I'm still very upset about it, and I got the letter about six or seven hours ago. I was talking to my mom on the phone when I opened the letter, and I have to admit that I actually broke down in tears and cried for a good five, ten minutes.

It's just so frustrating. I thought I had a great chance of getting into that school. My talk with Dr. Hirst, a professor there (the guy I'd be working with, actually), had me convinced I could get in. I mean, he told me I had the credentials to get in. He said I had a really good shot.

And yet I didn't get in. That only leaves one school--Ohio State. Admittedly, that's the one I should, theoretically speaking, have the best chance of getting in to. But now, after two rejections in a row, I'm starting to doubt. I'm worried that maybe the fact that my GRE scores aren't astonishing, that my GPA isn't a 4.0, that maybe I wasn't as intelligent and impressive on paper as I thought I was...maybe I'm really not good enough. Let me tell you, this sort of existential self-doubt is not what you want to be dealing with when you're trying to get your Master's Thesis written and you're already under time pressure. I still haven't written anything. I'm just...blocked. I can't think, I can't read anything, I can't do anything. I'm about ready to call it a day, give up, and try again tomorrow.

On the positive side, many people have gone out of their way this afternoon and evening to try to make me feel better, and I feel obligated and moved to thank them, even though I don't think any of them actually read this.

First and foremost, Amanda Erisman, for consoling me almost right after I'd found out, and for smiling for me and convincing me, if only for a moment, that things genuinely would be okay.

Thanks to the girl at the convenience store, whose name I don't even know, who is always pleasant and cheerful and willing to talk to a complete stranger and total geek like me, and actually seem interested in what I have to say, even though I'm just another idiot customer.

To my coworker Vicki, who did her damnedest to cheer me up at work this evening, and did a pretty good job of it at that.

And to my parents. My mom for calling me up a few minutes after I'd gotten off the phone with her and offering me a few bits of wisdom that I'm trying to take to heart. My dad for calling me while I was at work, being reasonable and logical and yet also compassionate, and helping me come up with a couple of alternate plans if everything goes pancake-shaped. He helped me put it in perspective, and I appreciate that. I appreciate everything they all did for me today, and all that all of my friends and family do for me everyday, starting first and foremost with putting up with my crap. I do stupid things, I let little things get to me, and yet you all stand beside me. And I can't tell you just how much I appreciate and need that. Words fail me, and it's times like this when I'm reminded just how lucky I really am, the stupidity of graduate application selection committees aside.

Anyway, probably time to call it a day. God only knows what else might go wrong if I stay awake much longer.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: The Beatles, "You've got to hide your love away"