"There Is Nothing That Doesn't Matter"

Hey folks. Odd time for posting, I'm sure, but there's crap on my mind, and it must be written down before I burst.

First, I'm worried as hell about money. I reconciled my checkbook this evening, and I have $125 to my name. That's it. Thankfully, I've paid rent for this month, but I'll have rent again in July, and as of right now, I'm looking at six to nine hours per week at work for the next month and a half. That's, as we say in the business, really really bad.

I haven't ever really had to worry about money. As a high school student, I didn't have to work part-time jobs to support myself or pay for my car or anything. My folks took care of all of it. When I got into college, it was much the same--I had scholarships covering most of my school costs, and my folks covered the rest. I worked a bit for the school, but the money I made at the Learning Center was basically pocket money for whatever I wanted to spend it on, which was usually CDs. I worked during the summers, earning a good amount of money, which I'd use during the school year to live on (for eating out, laundry, gas, whatever).

Graduate school has been a bit different. My folks have still been helping me out, but I have to pay for my rent and food and such. And the money my parents had saved up for me to attend school is now...gone. I've spent it all getting these--currently--absolutely worthless degrees. I have a BA and almost an MA in History, and they aren't getting me all that much closer to achieving my goal of being a college professor. I say that because I still haven't managed to get accepted to a graduate school. What good is a BA or an MA if they don't get me into a PhD program? I can't really do a whole lot with what I've got.

But I digress. Money issues. Not working enough, too many expenses, rent goes up next month to an as-yet unknown amount (I'm guessing it'll be about $475). I guess I have a few options...

(1) Quit school, move back home, get a job flippin' burgers or sackin' groceries.
(2) Sell plasma, my kidney, extra crap I've got, my very soul to save up enough cash to survive the summer.
(3) Get an extra part-time job, something nigh-impossible to do in Norman in the summer (though possibly manageable...if I want to go into fast food or retail. Ugh).
(4) Ask folks for money.

None of these are guaranteed sources of good income. The first option has the obvious flaws. The second is difficult because I really don't have all that much that'd be worth anything, or that I'd be willing to part with. The third...is doable, though not something I'd relish. I don't want to have to have another job, I just want to be able to get enough hours with the job I already have to not have to worry about money. The fourth...well, the biggest problem with the fourth is that I don't know that my parents will give me money anymore. I think my father's fed up with the fact that I'm taking as long as I am with my degrees, and I think that both he and my mother are a little upset (and, admittedly, understandably so) with my spending habits of late: they've been, in truth, rather lavish for someone with such a weak income. I've been spending way more than I need to on crap I didn't need to spend it on, and I know it. I've behaved very poorly with my money. I've no head for budgeting, but something tells me I'm going to have to learn how to budget real fast, or I'm gonna be up shit creek without the proverbial paddle.

It's also really just starting to hit me how alone I'm gonna be at the end of the week. Sure, Jess and Dom will be coming back in a couple of weeks, but Beth'll be gone. And it's really just occurring to me how much time I spend with that girl. We hang out a lot. Almost every day, really, even before she started crashing at my place last weekend. I've come to depend on her company, not for some deep intellectual conversation (though we do have those) or the "you're the person who completes me" sort of thing, but just to be there to do things with, to hang out with. She is a presence, a person who is there often and willingly. I'll miss that, and I'll miss her, because I have no idea how often I'll see her--if ever--after we move her down to Florida in August. And that's hard to deal with.

So yeah, it seems there's a lot on my plate right now. I'm sure I'll get through somehow--I have thusfar, and so I have every expectation of coming out of this a better and stronger person than I was before. I'm already working on ways to to improve my situation. We'll just have to see what I can manage.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: David Gray, "Babylon II"