"To Wash You Out From My Mind, Out Of My Consciousness"

Y'know how I've been complaining that I haven't heard a single word from any of the graduate schools I applied to? Well, I heard a word from one of them today. Unfortunately, the word was "no."

Yeah, the University of Wisconsin decided they didn't want me. On the positive side, they weren't my top pick (apparently I wasn't their top pick, either). I also didn't have any connections there. At Washington University in St. Louis, I've had a personal interview with the head of the History Department. At Ohio State, both my graduate and undergraduate advisors are friends with the guy I'd be working with, and both wrote personal letters to the guy at Ohio State on my behalf in addition to the standard letters of recommendation.

So what started out as a decent day turned out crappy. But until about 4.00 pm, it was a great day. I woke up early--not necessarily a great thing, per se, but I was getting up to go up to OKC to the Metropolitan Library's annual book sale. I found about a dozen books I wanted--everything from a book about the Second World War by Churchill to a collection of writings by James Thurber to Vonnegut. Then I came home and, instead of cleaning the apartment as I'd originally intended, I slept. Well, I really did need the sleep--I only slept for three hours last night. Then I woke up, checked the mail, got my rejection letter, went to Borders, found a book Wendy'd recommended to me, went to Hastings and got a movie I'd been wanting, and then came home. I had comfort food, watched anime, and vegged out. Then I cleaned the apartment, so it's not too bad now. Mom'll still have a small animal of the bovine persuasion when she arrives tomorrow, but my apartment could be immaculate and illicit that sort of response from her. She's my mother, after all.

Anyway, beyond that, not much happened today. Talked on the phone quite a bit, mostly with my parents but also with Jessica, whom I hadn't talked to since the 1964 concert a couple weeks ago. I also found a CD that my youngest brother, Scott, has been wanting, so I picked that up for him.

I just keep going back to that rejection letter, though. It's cast into doubt everything I thought was certain. I used to believe my life would move in a very linear fashion. I knew where I was, where I wanted to be, and I thought the path between the two was very easy, and very straight. Now I find there are twists, turns, and areas without guardrails. There are parts of the road with potholes the size of meteorite impact craters, and they're hiding in puddles so that I can't discern their depth. I'm starting to feel very anxious, very frustrated, and even more envious of my friends who've already been contacted by the schools of their choice and told they're going to be receiving a pot of money to come and get an education. Part of me wants to scream out, "it's not fair!" Another part is muttering, "duh, of course it's unfair. That's how life is."

I want to cry out to the universe, "You're not fair!" And I guess I expect the universe to respond, "Oh, I'm not? Well then..." It won't change anything, and probably won't make me feel any better about it, since the universe isn't going to change just because I say so. Stupid universe.

I don't want to be bitter again. I've been there, done that. Bitterness at the universe is a very pointless exercise, since the universe is rather apathetic to what we think and want. The universe is a bitch.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Soul Coughing, "St. Louise is Listening"