"Just Thinkin' Of A Series Of Dreams"

So Friday was a good day. We got paid (always a plus), I hung out with Ev for his birthday (which was the 14th, but guess why no one was available to do anything on that day), and proved that I'm a geeky fanboy by purchasing the Megatokyo Volume 2 book at Hastings. Very nifty stuff, with a bunch of extras that aren't on the website. Now if they'd just get around to getting the first volume reprinted, I'd be set...

Anyway, it was a good day, as stated, but a strange one. Ev and I had lunch at an international food store down the street from our apartment complex. Gyros, humus, and a bunch of other stuff with names I cannot remember, and which I could not pronounce even if I could remember. Most of it was just...odd, and not really to my taste at all. The humus was especially weird, and nothing that I would eat of my own accord. It was an interesting cullinary experience, but not something I'll repeat anytime soon or with any regularity.

Also tracked down a DVD for Beth that she's been looking for (the second Harry Potter flick, actually). Everyone we've looked, it's been bloody expensive (still like $23, which is ridiculous considering it really wasn't even as good as the first one). Anyway, found it used at a store today for $8, and it was in excellent shape, so I snapped it up. She was much appreciative of it.

In the morning, I'm heading up to Oklahoma City for the Metro Library Book Sale. My folks gave me a bit of money to purchase books specifically in this instance. My parents are really kinda weird, I've decided--on the one hand, my mother berates me for the stupid stuff I do (and the important stuff I should do that I haven't done) every time I speak with them. Then they turn around and spoil me, whether it's giving me money to buy random books or by purchasing me clothes specifically for the history conference next weekend on what I think is a whim. Which they actually did--there was a message on my voicemail from my mom informing me she'd purchased an "outfit" for me for next weekend. I only hope it's not a sailor hat and a jock strap, or the historical community could be in serious trouble.

Yeah, have I mentioned the history conference next weekend? I'm presenting the paper I wrote last semester for my 19th Century Europe class in an abridged form. Yeah, it's only 12 pages instead of 25. I actually couldn't cut anymore of the paper without losing vital parts of the argument. I'm curious to see how this one fares as compared to the one I presented last year, which took first place in the graduate non-American section.

On a related note, the paper I'm working on for my 20th Century Europe class this semester--which takes the Lord of the Rings and Tolkein and proposes that the novels actually reflect his own peculiar anxieties and concerns as a Briton in the 1940s and 1950s, particularly with the idea of the British race "failing"--I'm hoping will be good enough (and original enough) to submit to a Tolkein conference in England that's going to be held sometime next year. Can you imagine me presenting a paper on the Lord of the Rings in England? How much of a dream come true would that be? Dunno how likely it is, but there's always hope.

I've been in a weird mood the past few days. I wasn't able to really pinpoint what it was or why it was occurring until earlier this evening when I was briefly visiting with Beth. She's already heard back from both of her top choices for graduate school--Florida State and Miami. Both meterology programs (two of the best in the country, especially for hurricane research, which is what she wants to do) accepted her, and with impressive fellowships at that. She only sent out her applications over Christmas break. I also know that Amanda Erisman has already heard from at least Tulsa, and was accepted there with a good fellowship, if I remember correctly.

Yet I've not heard from any of my schools yet, and I applied back in early to mid-November.

I guess part of it is envy. Florida State--Beth's top choice--is offering her full tuition and a $22K living stipend. I'm sure Miami's will be similar. I don't know what Amanda's being offered by Tulsa, though I'm sure it's good.

Both of them are doing science--Beth is meterology, and Amanda is biology. Both are very hot fields right now. Meanwhile, history--and most of the rest of the humanities, for that matter--are flooded, bloated with too many PhDs. I'm an above average historian at least, but in a time when excellent historians are a dime a dozen, is above average good enough? One has to wonder. Perhaps if I'd pushed myself harder while at Ozarks and while here at OU, I'd be in a better position? Or maybe if I'd chosen a different field, one with some decent job prospects after graduation. Part of me does wonder what would have happened if I'd put forth a little more effort in areas that didn't come as naturally as history and the humanities do. Areas such as math, or science. Would I have as many worries and concerns about my future if I'd gone into one of those fields? Would schools be begging to have me attend instead of the other way around?

Admittedly, it's a fairly academic question, no pun intended. I went into history, not meterology or biology or one of those other "-ologies." I went into the humanties, knowing the job market wasn't great, knowing there were severe limitations placed on what I'd be able to do. But I guess I also thought maybe that the rules didn't apply to me, that the world would make way for me to do whatever I damn well pleased, and that everyone and everything would cater to my whims.

It's a nice dream, you have to admit, but it's not very realistic at all. It means there are many things I'm having to learn the hard way along the way, and that's never entirely pleasant. But I also think that, despite the obstacles I face, and the apparent envy I have of my friends who are getting these nice offers, I'll be content with my chosen profession. I'm not cut out for biology, or for meterology. I can't do accounting, or marketing, or computer science. I can write, I can think about things in a fairly abstract manner, and I can analyze documents and ideas in a fairly impressive fashion. I can do humanities. I can doodle a bit, and who knows? There may be some monetary future in that, though probably not enough to sustain me or feed me or anything. Perhaps enough to augment a real job with some fun cash, but that's about it. I'm learning to be realistic. I know I have some skills and abilities, and I know I have some limitations. Now I'm trying to figure out how to work with what I have to get around what stands in my way.

Now I'm learning to make the most of the abilities I possess.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Cake, "Love You Madly"