"This Place Won't Speak Its Language To Me"

For the past about week now, I've felt like a ghost wandering around Norman, not really interacting with anyone on any sort of deep level. Most of my contact with humanity has been through electronic means, whether via telephone or the internet. Admittedly, I've had some very deep contact (via the internet especially) this past week, but I still feel disconnected from my surroundings, like someone who is dead but comes alive for the brief moments it takes to interact with someone on a purely mechanical level, such as paying for groceries or saying hello to the person I just held the door open for. You'd think something like the latter would require interaction, but doing things like holding open the door is so automatic to my existence, it doesn't even require thought anymore. There's someone behind me, I hold the door for them, whether male or female (though I've noticed I tend to smile at them if they're female, regardless of whether I find them attractive or not).

But it's all very strange to me, really, and vaguely disconcerting. I've talked with a couple of my Norman friends since returning, but I've only seen two of them--Dom when he took me to pick up my car on Tuesday, and Ev at work. The former was a brief encounter, mostly saying, "yeah, I had a good break, how was yours?" The latter was in a work setting, when I was leaving and Ev was coming in, so again brief and with much the same tone and tenor to it. Not to mention the fact that he's been sick since I picked him up from the bus station Sunday, concentrating on a job application, and thus nowhere near as talkative or animated as usual.

I guess I'm just really craving intimate face to face contact right now. I just need to be able to sit with a close friend, have a good, solid conversation, and remember that I'm not completely isolated in this ridiculous town. Everyone in Norman seems so wrapped up in their mundane little lives that they completely ignore everyone around them. Sure, it's pretty much that way everywhere, but you'd think a few people could at least take the time to smile at you while you're interacting. The only person who's done so in the past week was the waitress I had at Coach's yesterday for lunch, and I ended up leaving her a 50% tip for it.

I'm not really sure what all is truly bugging me. There's something at the core of these feelings I have right now, and I can't identify them. Maybe it was the too-brief visit with Chris and JP, the reminder of what we had at Ozarks and the intimacy of my life there. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't seen so many of my friends in too long, or that I didn't get to see Wendy over break. Or maybe it's even the idea that my middle sibling is off in France as we speak, doing God-knows what (actually, it's 9.00 pm here, so it's about 6.00 am there. He's either still asleep or just waking up, so I guess I have a good idea what he's currently doing). Maybe it's something as simple as just flat-out loneliness. I've been known to get lonely in crowded rooms before, so it's possible.

Most of all, I think it's just that there are a couple of very specific people I wish I were with right now. Sadly, that is not the case, so I'm stuck here in Norman and as a shade. But maybe not for long, who knows.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: George Harrison, "Isn't it a Pity (Version One)"