"It's Four O'Clock In The Morning, Or Maybe It's Five"

It's 4.00 am, and I'm awake for no reason I can identify. I'm simply...not asleep. I think it's due in large part to worrying. Not about myself, or anything directly connected to me, except insofar as anything that happens to those I care about is connected to me. Truth be told, my mind is nowhere near Norman, OK right now. It's probably cast itself adrift and ended up in Clarksville, as it is wont to do.

So basically I'm really worried about a pair of my Clarksville friends, and for completely different reasons. In either case, I wish there was something I could do to help them. Something other than sit here and listen to them, I mean. Yeah, I'm glad I'm able to act as a confidant, and I'm sure it helps them some, but...it doesn't really solve either of their problems.

I don't know when I got it in my head that I have to try to solve everyone's problems. The cop-out answer is, of course, that I'm a guy, and guys feel the intrinsic need to fix things. But it's more than that. I've never noticed my father try to do this, or my siblings, or any of the other guys I know. It seems...well, not exactly unique to me, but something decidedly unusual, regardless of gender. When did I get my own life so figured out that I could run around solving everyone else's problems? What am I, the personification of the United States; trying to get everyone else straightened out and playing fair while my own affairs go down the proverbial toilet? Admittedly, my own affairs seems fairly straight-forward for once; there is nothing going on in my life that I cannot really handle or cope with. Sure, I've got my usual low-level existential doubt and vague worries that have no name, shape, or face, but those are normal. I'm used to all that.

But it still really bothers me that I can't do more. I think the crux of the problem is this--I'm too damn far away. If I were actually in Clarksville, there'd be a little more I could do. I could comfort a little easier, perhaps, or in a more immediate manner. But's not possible from Norman, not in the way I feel it should be. So I get to sit here and stew over the fact that I keep feeling there is more I could or should be doing, and knowing that I can't do anymore than I currently am doing for them.

And that's why I'm still awake at 4.00 am on a Wednesday morning.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: Charlie Daniels Band, "Devil went down to Georgia" (hey, it's on the radio, leave me alone)