"But I'm Gonna Love You Anyhow"

I wanted to write something of substance here tonight. Hell, I've wanted to do something of substance for quite awhile now, and all my efforts end up feeling slight and half-hearted. This isn't just an issue of self-pity or over-exaggeration, either. I simply feel that most everything I try to do lately--comics, writings, efforts at interpersonal communication, and even teaching--has been something of a failure. Comics haven't been as funny or inspired (Clif agreed, damn him). I've written maybe two songs in as many months, and only one of those was even halfway worthwhile. I keep sitting down with the intention of writing a script for a comic collaboration between myself and Adam, and everything that comes out feels too...forced, I guess. It's like I'm having to try to force my gifts to produce instead of letting them create something worthwhile like it used to be. Part of this, I know, is just creative burnout: I'm in a profession that can be very taxing on multiple levels, and I don't have nearly the energy to just come up with ideas that I used to have. So many of my ideas have to go into teaching now that there's not as much left over for comics and songs and stories.

Another part of it is a lack of inspiration. Put simply, I'm not in college anymore. My college friends were a major inspiration for my comics and sense of humor. I drew on my roommate and my close circle of friends (and even my brother) for ideas and situations. Lots of the early Crooked Halo comics were the direct results of conversations with various friends. Those people are now scattered across the US. I don't get to talk with them as often. I don't get to interact as directly with them as I used to. In short, I'm more isolated.

I've always known that my tendency to isolate myself was a double-edged sword: on the one hand, it meant more time to pursue my hobbies and interests, more time to draw and write. On the other hand, isolation means less interaction and less communication; and ultimately, the stuff I enjoy doing--stories, songs, comics--are about communicating. Interaction. Maybe not direct interaction, but interaction nonetheless. It's part of the reason I put this stuff on the internet: it's a chance to not only entertain someone else, but it's a way of establishing a connection with someone else through something I've created. It'd be easy to leave the comics in a sketchbook that no one but me ever looked at. It'd be real easy not to let people hear or read the songs and stories I've written. It takes an effort to post those for others to see, hear, and even possibly harshly criticize.

I'm not really sure where I meant to go with this. As I said, I keep meaning to write something substantial--which means, in part, having a point to what I'm writing--but I can't seem to manage. In large part, I think there's just too much going on right now. My mind can't process it all, so I'm shutting down more. It's also manifesting itself as an inability to come up with inspiration, I think.

What it really boils down to, I think, is my old fear of being a failure. Part of that fear is tied up in the evaluation I have at work tomorrow. It's probably irrational, but I really do fear that I'll come out of it feeling pretty shitty about what I've been doing as a teacher. I'm afraid I'll be told I'm not good enough. I'm afraid that I'll have to spend the summer looking for another job not because it'd be nice to have a better job, but because they won't want me back next year at my current school. Now maybe a lot of this is just me being a worrier. Maybe my fears are unfounded. I'm really not sure. All I do know is I really hope this evaluation goes better than I fear it might, or I won't be a very pleasant person to be around for awhile.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: Primitive Radio Gods, "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in my Hand"