"Sometimes The Truth Just Ain't Enough, Or It's Too Much In Times Like This"

Am I content?

That's a very loaded question. What exactly do I mean by "content?" Do I mean I like who and what I am, where I am in life and employment, relationships, and things of that nature? Or simply happy with my lot in life? I don't really know, to tell you the truth. I think I'm happy with who I am, though maybe not how I am currently. And there are certainly some aspects of my life I'd like to change.

My weight, for instance. I have little to no self control (an issue that plays a very serious and upsetting part in many areas of my life), and tend to just eat food if it's in front of me. This would be fine if there were no food in front of me ever, but I have a habit of eating. A lot. And I still run everyday, but it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. I know I've steadily gained weight since Clif left back in July, but I don't seem capable of turning my situation around by myself. I need an external disciplinarian, I guess. That's when I usually do best--when there's someone there to watch over and give me mean looks when I'm doing things I know I shouldn't (like going to IHOP at midnight, or eating a whole pizza for dinner). Both summers I worked for my father, and the summer I spent at Yellowstone, I consistantly lost weight because there was someone there to keep me in line (first dad, then Clif). I was a good 30 pounds lighter at the beginning of last school year than I am now, I think, and that upsets and distresses me. My goal is to lose a good ten or fifteen by Christmas, and another ten or fifteen by my birthday (I have to be realistic during the winter--it gets really freakin' cold, sometimes too cold to run everyday).

I think I'm content with who I am intellectually and emotionally. I've got a pretty good handle on my mind and soul I think, and they're both completely within my control. I've got a good grasp of this sharing deep personal and emotive information with others, if they're someone I feel I can trust, and I also think I can identify those whom I can trust pretty well. I can also pretty much out-debate anyone I come across, with a couple of notable exceptions (I have never beat Wendy or Amanda E. in a discussion: Wendy because she's just that much smarter than I, and Amanda because she's that much smarter and because I become extremely flustered and start to babble whenever I'm around her. I chalk it up to pheremones or her psychic powers). I can usually defeat people with either more knowledge or better debating skills, though I haven't tried it against someone who possesses both yet.

I'm getting content with my abilities. My comic style is finally getting to a point where I'm happy with the way the comics look, though Clyde says he doesn't care for the new style because it looks like I'm half-assing the comics (even though it actually takes longer to do the sketchy style. Go figure). I like where my writing skills are right now, in terms of poetry and songs, and fiction and non-fiction prose. I have found my style, my voice, and I can usually express things exactly as I want to in an almost effortless manner.

I don't know that I'm content with my location. Then again, I haven't been since I left Ozarks in May of 2002. I don't really like OU. I like a couple of the people here--Jess and Dom are wonderful and warm, Beth is always great fun to spend time with, and Ev challenges my mind in ways that school didn't for a long time. Anyone else I know here I don't get to see often enough to really have a strong connection. I hate the school, especially the administration and the crap they keep putting me and thousands of other students through. I like the classes I took and the professors I've had (with a single notable exception, but he hated me first) well enough, I guess. It's just...being here has always seemed like it would be temporary. I think in the back of my head, I always thought I'd stay at Ozarks forever. Part of that was a product of the time in which I entered Ozarks. I mean, I was eighteen. At eighteen, we all think we're going to live forever, that we're going to always be the same person and that everything will remain eternal and unchanging. Ironically, it's at that age and for the next few years that life changes the most, I think. I know I'm a very different person from the wide-eyed, introverted whelp who entered Clarksville, AR back in August of 1998. I'm a different person than the one who entered Norman over a year ago. And yet I'm still me, and there is continuity between what has gone before and what I am currently.

So, am I content? I guess it depends on your definition, and what you place your emphasis on. There are areas of my life in which I'm definitely content, and areas in which I'm not. But I think it's that way for everyone, really. I've yet to meet someone who was completely content with everything in their life. If I ever did, I don't know whether to trust them or wonder what sort of psyhcosomatic drugs they've been taking. I do hope someday to be content, I strive for it. And that's probably a good thing--if I got complacent with who and what I was, I would never try to improve myself, right? I'd stay the same perpetually, and you can't do that. You have to grow.

Now, if I could just start growing in the metaphysical sense as opposed to the physical, I'd be set.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Cake, "Rock & Roll Lifestyle"