"I Want A Reason For The Way Things Have To Be"

I picked the title for this particular rant earlier today, while listening to the Train song "Calling All Angels." The words appealed to me on a very intellectual level--I find myself always searching for the "Why." That's the reason I never understood math--all the math teachers I ever had only told me how. They would tell me that to get the answer, I had to apply this formula, and I would get what I needed. They never told me why that particular formula was the one I used, or why it was right, they simply told me that was the formula you used in that instance. I always hated that; as a result, I never bothered with math, and my meager abilities in the subject even today atest to that fact.

But somewhere in the past hour or so, the meaning of those words morphed into something much more emotional and deep, much darker. I still want to know why things happen, but now I have particular things in mind, and very particular people I'd like to ask "why" to, and I know I can't ask that person, because I'm not in a position where I can. I'm also not in a position to really speak plainly about the subject I'm dancing around, because it is not mine to disclose, and it is not yours to hear about. That I heard about it and now have to deal with the consequences is immaterial, really.

Mostly, I want to know why people are cruel. What drives mankind to do the stupid, senseless, and above all selfish things we do on a daily basis to one another? When did we get it in our heads that it was okay to destroy the reality of another person? Or that we could make unilateral decisions that do not only affect us? When did each individual on the whole damn planet decide that they were the only person that really mattered, and everyone else was incidental?

I remember a passage I read in a Terry Pratchett book a while back. The book is called Carpe Jugulum, and it's about vampires. But there's this marvelous subplot running through it about a young priest of the Omnian Church (a wonderful pun on Catholicism, as "omnia" means "whole," and Catholic, of course, means "universal") who goes through a crisis of faith. At one point, he gets into an argument with Granny Weatherwax, the Discworld's greatest witch, currently possibly a vampire herself, and very much an atheist. Oh, she knows gods exist, and has even met a few of them, but she doesn't believe in them. Believing in gods just gives them ideas above their station. Granny insists that all sin, at the most basic level, starts with treating people as things. Once you do that, you'll do anything, because you stop seeing people as people, and start seeing them as objects. When you treat someone as an object, you'll see no reason why killing someone is wrong, or robbing them, or taking away those they care about. You'll have no qualms about starting wars, destroying communities, eliminating ways of life, and abusing the sensibilities and bodies of those around you. It all starts with treating someone as something.

And when you think of a person as an object rather than a human being, you stop understanding that the things you can do can hurt them. You lose the ability to empathize with them, to see things from their perspective. You start thinking that whatever you do is fine, because you're the only person whose opinions in the matter are important. And therein lies the greatest sin a human can commit against another human--thinking that only you matter. And that's why I'm mad as hell right now, and that's why I really want to seriously hurt a certain person right now, even though I know it would only make the situation worse, and would only exacerbate the problem. To the person whom I'm writing this for: you know who you are, if you happen to be reading this (which I doubt), and you have my deepest sympathies, and I'm here if you need me. Always.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: Cream, "Badge"