"You Take Me Far Away--Not From Myself, But From My Pain"

First, an interesting link I found earlier today about Ford's new electric/gas hybrid SUV. That's right--they're finally gonna make one of those damned things that doesn't guzzle gas. I'm rather impressed with the idea, mostly because Ford managed to create a hybrid car that (1) looks decent (that's the biggest problem I think most people have with the hybrid cars--they look butt-ugly) and (2) meets the desires of the American public. I mean,the thing is basically a Ford Escape with a few mechanical differences, right? It's a pretty impressive thing. I think I want to get a hybrid car...when I can afford one. Admittedly, it's going to be a long, long time before I can afford to buy any sort of car by myself.

Anyway, on to other, more immediate things...

Jess, Dom, and Beth came over last night for dinner. I'd received a heckuva mess of leftovers from my aunt Saturday night, so we had a little cook-in (like a cookout, only done inside the apartment) and just sat around all night shooting the proverbial bull. We basically just hung out for about eight hours straight, spending most of that time just talking about anything and everything. As a result of said talking, I came to a very definite conclusion--Jessica and I should not discuss politics or religion.

There are certain things we agree on. Faith, rather than religion, is what's important. Politicians are idiots. Beyond that, it's almost a guarantee that if I have one opinion of a given topic, her opinion on it will be the opposite. She's a very conservative individual, and I'm...not. I'd probably describe myself as a moderate liberal. I don't agree with a bunch of the crap that people have attached to the term "liberal," such as throwing money at a problem to make it go away, etc., but I'm also definitely not a conservative. Conservatives are almost instinctively distrustful of intellectuals, and I kinda consider myself one of those. But get Jess and I discussing politics, and it's like a house on fire--lots of yelling and screaming, and a good chance there won't be any survivors.

But when we got out of the realm of "stuff that should not be discussed because it just pisses people off," we had some good conversations, the four of us. One of the interesting things we talked about was why Jessica is in the job she's got. She really doesn't like it, and we're not entirely sure what keeps motivating her to get out of bed in the morning and go to work. Part of it has to deal with the idea of a greater purpose that she cannot see. Y'know, God's plan or something to that effect. Things happen for a reason, as far as I can tell, though we don't always recognize that reason or why it's important.

So then the conversation strays to what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, and why maybe I got rejected by all those grad schools--maybe that's not what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm supposed to do something with this Seminary in Louisville that keeps calling me all the time. Maybe that's my purpose--to go join the ministry. But I'm still not certain about that, and I think I know why--I don't think I'm good enough for that.

I honestly don't think I'm a good enough or devout enough individual to become a minister and lead a group of people on their spiritual journey. I have nowhere near the confidence to do that at this point in my life. It's not that I don't believe there's a God or anything like that--I believe that even when all the physical evidence seems to suggest there couldn't be a supernatural being. It's more that...I don't think I'm a very good person. Not just that I occasionally stumble or occasionally do something sinful or wrong, but I think I have some intrinsic personality traits that make me poorly designed to lead others on their spiritual paths.

Maybe it's risidual guilt that's been pounded into my head from reading St. Augustine. That guy wanted everyone to think they were bad, bad, bad. We're all inately sinful, according to him. That's not something I like to believe--I think good and evil are choices we make on a daily basis, even if we're not aware we're choosing--but I think too often, I don't choose good. It's not that I explicitly choose evil, but I think I often fail to choose good. And I'm not certain that's good for a clergyman of any denomination.

I'm going to try to call the Seminary today or tomorrow and see why they keep calling me. I'm curious, I'm admit, and it may be a way to get out of Oklahoma. Admittedly, it'd land me in Kentuky, which isn't so much a step up as it is to the side, but still...it's a change, and it's something new. All I really know is that I can't stay here. Oklahoma will swallow me whole if I stay here.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Glen Phillips, "Far Away"