"I Was Up All Night Making Up My Mind But Now I've Got My Doubts"

Had a shouting match with my mother earlier today. That was fun, if you define "fun" as "something that was agitating and annoying and not really something I wanted to do." Yeah, fun.

Her problem is that she thinks I need to stop feeling defeated by the whole grad school thing. She also thinks I've been dragging my feet in regards to papers and alternate plans and suchlike. I blew up at her and chewed her out at a high volume for a good two or three minutes about that. I was filled with semi-righteous anger.

Semi-righteous because, to an extent, she's kinda right. Not totally, and this isn't something I'd admit to her, mind you, but enough that it rankled.

She's also kinda wrong. I didn't think I'd need to re-apply to this blasted school. I thought I had Ohio State in the bag. Finding out I didn't meant I had to rush to try to get things taken care of to stay here, if I need to. It also means that stuff I should have been working on, I haven't been, because I've been a bit depressed. Okay, very depressed, I just haven't shown it as much as the last time I got a rejection letter from a school (Washington University about a month ago, for those of you keeping score at home). But it's there, believe me. I haven't done very much on the paper for my class this semester, and I have been dragging my feet on it. And now I'm having trouble finding sources that'll work (though some research work this afternoon may have turned up some worthwhile sources).

I don't know why I'm so apathetic and lazy this semester. Mom pointed out that I was much more productive last semester when I had a couple of classes than I am this semester with only one class, and one that I don't even really have to attend every time at that. I guess I'm the sort of person who needs deadlines and structure. For better or worse, I'm not very self-motivated when it comes to certain things. School happens to be one of them.

Comics, of course, aren't. Neither is my writing. But schoolwork...yeah, sometimes I'm not so into that. Which is ridiculous, since this is what I'm wanting to do with the rest of my life.

Then again, maybe that's what the problem is--maybe this isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. Problem is, I don't know what I'd do with the rest of my life if not this. As much as I'd like to, there's no way I could ever make a living with my comic or my writing or anything like that. They're fun hobbies, but that's all they're ever likely to be. And I'm fine with that--I enjoy drawing and writing, and that's what really matters. It's really just a nice dream that someone would pay me enough money to live off of for doing that stuff. No, I need to find a "real" job, I guess. I need to get this next degree, and become a professor. I really do like the idea of teaching. I already enjoy sharing what I know with people all the time. Getting paid for that is a dream I can reach.

Well, if I can get into another graduate school, it is.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: The Eagles, "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" (yeah, if only)