"Voices Echo 'This Is What Salvation Must Be Like After A While'"

I spent Saturday afternoon with family. Lots of family--Clif, my parents, my paternal grandparents, great-aunt and uncle, their son and his wife, my paternal aunt and uncle, and their son and his wife and daughter. When we have spontaneous family gatherings, we don't mess around. I spent most of the afternoon doing one of three things--eating (lots of good food), watching football, and taking care of my cousin's daughter. Her name's Bailey, and I think she's just over a year old. It's been a while since there's been an infant Cottrell (if you discount my siblings and myself, who are all infantile in our own special ways), and it's an experience. We're handfuls. It's down to genetics, I think. But it's been rather fun watching Bailey grow up over the past year. I can remember when she was only a couple months old. My cousin and his wife make a trip home about once a month (they are currently living in New Mexico, while his parents live in Midwest City, Oklahoma), so I've had the opportunity to really watch their daughter grow. The last time I saw Bailey, she could crawl. The time before that, she was almost crawling, and just starting to get her teeth. Now she has her teeth, can walk, and can say a couple of words (her favorite seems to be "hi," said loudly, happily, and often. She also likes the "sha-la-la"s in the chorus of Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl," but then again, who doesn't?). It made for a fun afternoon, really, and also made me realize something--I can't wait to have kids of my own.

I think my aunt or maybe even my mother commented on it--I'm great with kids. They seem to be almost drawn to me, as if they recognize that here is someone who, while nominally and chronologically older, is a kindred spirit, a child at heart. Or maybe I just have some weird affinity for them. Whatever the reason, I like kids. They've got this joy to them, this wonder and sense of innocence. They see everything with fresh eyes, as if it were all totally new and totally beautiful. I wish more adults could have that sort of vision.

So yeah, the short version is that I really want kids. Granted, there are all sorts of obstacles--1) I don't have the time to raise a kid right now, 2) I don't have enough money to raise a kid now, and not least of all 3) I don't even have a girlfriend, let alone a wife. I hear that sort of thing simplifies the whole child-making and having process. Call me crazy, I'm something of a traditionalist in that regard. It all just means I can't and won't rush into the whole thing. I have a tough enough time taking care of just me, I can't really imagine what it'd be like trying to care for another life that is totally and completely dependent on me for survival. On the one hand, the idea excites me. But it also terrifies me, as I think having a child would and does anyone. Anyone with sense, anyway.

I think the whole "need a girlfriend, then a wife" thing was especially emphasized when I proceeded to spend all evening by myself watching anime. Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with that--I really like anime. I like people, too, though, and would like to spend a weekend with my friends again sometime soon. Really. So stop hiding from me, people.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: The Police, "Masoko Tanga"