"As I Went Out One Morning"

As I was walking to work this morning, I inexplicably started thinking about all the girls I could have had if I'd wanted them. I know that statement sounds rather prigish and egotistical, and maybe this whole post will come across as nothing more than a ridiculously misogynistic rant about how I'm only loved by those I don't want. I don't really know, guess we'll just have to see.

But to return to topic: I can't really explain why I started thinking about this. I think it all started when I downloaded an old Credence Clearwater Revival tune last night, "Someday Never Comes." My senior year, I met a girl (who shall remain nameless because I feel like keeping some things private. Those who know her will recognize who she is, and that's fine. The rest of you don't know her anyway, and knowing her name won't do you much good) who loved this song. I'd actually never heard it before, though I thought I was fairly familiar with CCR (or at least with their two Greatest Hits collections, and this song was on the first one). I'd never heard the song, but loved it. It's taken me this long just to be able to find it to download. So downloading that song probably got me thinking about her. She was a nice girl, and I found her very attractive. She had a few problems, mostly stemming from the abrupt end to her relationship with her ex-fiancee (breaking off a relationship right before you get married does that to a person, I think). Anyway, I met her at a time when I was very, very interested in someone else (a friend of hers, actually), and had eyes for no one else, you could say.

I remember a night. Not necessarily a pleasant night, but a night nonetheless. Both of these girls were in a state one could call inebriated or, to be more accurate, piss drunk. Somehow, it had fallen upon myself and a couple of other girls to take care of these two. The girl I was interested in was completely passed out by the time I'd carried her up to her bed. The other was not. She was still wide awake, and in something of a state. And she asked me why I didn't think she was good enough for me. And I hated myself for not being able to like her, for liking someone else who would have nothing to do with me, and just for being the idiot that I am.

Time marches on, though, and she's married now and, for what I know, happy. The other girl is engaged to be married. Come to think of it, a lot of girls I was interested in or who were interested in me at one time or another are engaged or already married now. I must be behind the times.

But the whole incident that night revealed a facet of my personality that I still don't fully understand. I tend to go after the girls who are, for whatever reason, unattainable. I don't know if I like the chase, or secretly think that I'm better than I really am, or what the deal is. But I tend to fall for the girls who won't have me, while a perfectly wonderful girl is standing right in front of me, beating me in the head with subtle hints that they wouldn't mind going out with me. And I never catch it, because I have no head for subtlety (note to the ladies: most men can't catch subtlty. Be as subtle as a sledgehammer, it's your only hope to get through our thick skulls and the thicker cloud of self-interest we're usually wrapped in). So I sit and mope, and some girl I'm totally unaware of goes unnoticed, and the girl I'm after finds some other guy. That's the usual pattern, anyway. There are variations, but not many.

I don't wish any of the girls ill will, though. Even the ones who wouldn't have me. Hell, especially them, it seems. I have a tough time thinking ill of anyone for not wanting me. I'm a study in contradictions: I think very highly of myself in some regards (I think I'm a decent writer, funny, and maybe even sometimes charming), but I also think I'm not very attractive physically, and that belief creates a sink hole for self-esteem that I collapse in to every time. I think it's probably self-defeating--I don't think I'm attractive, so then I'm not attractive. Or something like that. I also tend to think the girls who are attracted to me could do better. I mean, what is there about me that deserves someone who actually likes and adores me for who and what I am? I don't have to work for anything in that sort of relationship, which is probably ultimately why it'd be dangerous for me to enter one of them. If there's nothing for me to work for, if I don't have to earn someone's respect day after day, I'm pretty sure I'll get lazy, self-absorbed, and stop trying. That's no good for anyone, including me, and especially her.

There have been other girls before and after that incident, but it stuck out in my mind as a sort of obvious representation of my whole situation when it comes to relationships. Like Vizzini, it's like I won't take that which is in front of me (bonus points if you catch the movie reference). It's probably a highly specialized form of stupidity.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Bob Dylan, "Idiot Wind"