"Shout Out These Songs Against The Clang Of Electric Guitars"

I've been dealing with graduate school applications and related things for the past week. There's nothing particularly difficult about any of it, and I really should have done this stuff a month or two ago when I said I would. But part of my nature is to put off doing what needs to be done so I can do what I would rather do; i.e., nothing.

But the applications got me thinking. Originally, I was going to have my Master's degree finished by December. That date has now been pushed back till May. Why the delay? Well, partly because none of the schools I want to attend accept students in the spring semester. Another reason is that I've been putting off doing the stuff related to finishing this degree and getting applications for the next school done. But mostly it's because I don't want to leave.

Now, I know the idea of anyone not wanting to leave Oklahoma seems astounding. Really, it has less to do with the fact that it's Oklahoma, and more to do with what I have to leave here. I'll have to leave comfort and familiarity for isolation and the unknown. To be frank, going someplace I've never been before scares the hell out of me. Washington University in St. Louis might not be too bad, and Union-PSCE in Richmond would put me within striking distance of DC and thus Wendy and the East Coast Crew, but I know no one at either Ohio State or Wisconsin. Out of the four schools I'm looking at, only one puts me anywhere close to someone I know. But here...here, I've just started finally finding people. I've found old friends and new ones alike, and I'm not ready to leave them. I hated leaving Ozarks; after four years, I'd bonded with my friends there so much that the act of leaving actually caused some sort of mental breakdown which I only fixed by spending the entire summer in the beautiful surroundings of Yellowstone National Park (it's amazing how peaceful and restful mountains can be to someone from one of the flat states). I haven't been here as long as I was Ozarks, and I don't know as many people, but I'm no more inclined to want to leave them than I was last time.

The thing is, it's almost like the decision is being taken from me. Most of my friends from Ozarks have already been cast to the four winds, heading out for points known but very, very distant (my roommate and his wife, arguably two of my very closest friends, are in Seattle, WA, of all places, and as mentioned before, Wendy--my absolute best friend--is in DC). I almost don't feel I'm equipped for all these partings, though people (mostly my mother) keep telling me that that's the nature of life--people come and go.

Well, I don't want it to be like that. I want to stay in close contact. I want to be able to still walk across the hall to see my closest friends, to be able to holler across the room at my roommate and then all of us gather in the living room to play video games. I want college to last forever, or at least the communal aspects of it.

I think it all boils down to my ideal place: it would be somewhere where I could stay with all of my friends, some sort of big house or dorm-type building where we could all stay, interacting and laughing and loving. It'd be something of a heaven, really, though I know that term is thrown around a lot. And the saddest thing is, I realize I can't ever have a place like that. The nature of life is that people move on and away. We can't stop them, we can't freeze time at this single moment and make it last forever. We can only cherish the moments and times we do have with those people who make living worthwhile. That's what I want to do, and I accept that nothing will last forever, but I just want to make this moment last a bit longer is all.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Flaming Lips, "Fight Test"