"We Got Married"

So, how was everyone's weekend? Enjoying the fact that, for many, it's a three-day weekend?

That's good.

Me? Oh, I didn't do a whole lot. Went to a Bed & Breakfast with Michelle. Lounged around. Got married.

Yeah, you read right.

As of January 13, 2007, Michelle Branco is my lawfully-wedded wife. So while the rest of you slackers were under a couple of inches of ice or just lolly-gagging around doing jack squat, I was tying the knot with the woman I love.

The ceremony was short, sweet, and to the point. With pictures, champagne, cake, and the whole she-bang, it took 45 minutes. That includes the ten minutes we wandered from spot to spot in the yard of the B&B to take various pictures and all that (the weather was fantastic; mid-60s, just enough light for everything to be even but not so much that we had to squint, and the rain held off until after we'd said the "I do's"). The vows were nice (we got to keep a copy), the cake was tasty, and my woman looked gorgeous. I'll have pictures for ya later this week.

This whole thing might seem kinda sudden, but it just felt like the right time. I honestly can't imagine not having this woman in my life, and marrying her seemed like such a no-brainer that I'd've been mentally deficient not to have done it. We didn't see any reason to wait around when all we were gonna do in a few months was what we did this weekend anyway. Honestly, why wait the extra two months when (1) you know this is it, (2) there's less difficulty with scheduling 'cause she didn't have to ask off for work, and (3) it's not like we were gonna decide to have a big blowout wedding between now and the end of March anyway. And now I can get her on my health and car insurances, which is a big plus.

So yeah, that was my weekend. I'm currently working on today's comic (just need to scan and upload), a program for MLK Day for school tomorrow (more on that later), and putzin' around with the iPod. Michelle's over at her folks' place doing something, but I'll be joining her over there soon enough I'm sure.

In other news, I have the world's coolest wedding ring. It's titanium. If I ever get my finger caught in something, they'll have to cut the finger off 'cause the ring can't be cut. Oh yeah.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: Sting, "The Secret Marriage"

"What's Up Sweetcakes"

Do you ever wonder why people sometimes feel melancholy? Why sometimes we're depressed for no reason? Why does the weather affect our moods? If it's sunny outside, we tend to smile more, or if it's dreary and gray, we feel blah and under the weather (no pun intended...I don't think). There's something about late fall and into winter that makes you want to stay in bed all day, not move, not face the outside world. It makes me not want to jog, or leave the apartment until at least my birthday. By the same token, nasty weather (such as rain or snow) always makes me want to move. When I'm restricted to the apartment because of the precipitation, it makes me want to defy that, to go out and go somewhere. I always want to take a road trip when the weather's at its worst, because logic and common sense dictate that I ought to bunker down and wait for everything to blow over.

I was flipping through my photo album this afternoon, looking at the pictures of my friends from these recent years. Looking at all the smiles, all the good times, the moments captured in 3" x 5". It's funny, but most of the pictures are from the last few weeks of school my senior year and graduation, both mine and the one from 2003 (when several of my friends graduated). There aren't many pictures from the four years I actually spent at the school, just from the last few moments I was there. I think that's a part of human nature--while we're in the middle of something, we don't ever think of it ending. In a way, I thought I'd always be with that group of people at Ozarks, that nothing would ever change, that we'd always be there. When it dawned on me that this wasn't going to be the case (I tried to deny it up until about two or three weeks before graduating), I attempted to hurriedly collect evidence that I'd been there for four years, tangible memories and memorabilia to commemorate my time at that place with those people.

I graduate from OU in about seven months. In the almost year and a half that I've been here so far, I've made some rather close friends, people whom I don't want to let go of. And I have nothing tangible to show that I've known them so far, no physical evidence that they've been a part of my life except the occasional faint smile I wear on my face when thinking about them. I need to find my camera. I need to correct this inequity.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Yoko Kanno & the Seatbelts, "Ask DNA"

"As I Went Out One Morning"

As I was walking to work this morning, I inexplicably started thinking about all the girls I could have had if I'd wanted them. I know that statement sounds rather prigish and egotistical, and maybe this whole post will come across as nothing more than a ridiculously misogynistic rant about how I'm only loved by those I don't want. I don't really know, guess we'll just have to see.

But to return to topic: I can't really explain why I started thinking about this. I think it all started when I downloaded an old Credence Clearwater Revival tune last night, "Someday Never Comes." My senior year, I met a girl (who shall remain nameless because I feel like keeping some things private. Those who know her will recognize who she is, and that's fine. The rest of you don't know her anyway, and knowing her name won't do you much good) who loved this song. I'd actually never heard it before, though I thought I was fairly familiar with CCR (or at least with their two Greatest Hits collections, and this song was on the first one). I'd never heard the song, but loved it. It's taken me this long just to be able to find it to download. So downloading that song probably got me thinking about her. She was a nice girl, and I found her very attractive. She had a few problems, mostly stemming from the abrupt end to her relationship with her ex-fiancee (breaking off a relationship right before you get married does that to a person, I think). Anyway, I met her at a time when I was very, very interested in someone else (a friend of hers, actually), and had eyes for no one else, you could say.

I remember a night. Not necessarily a pleasant night, but a night nonetheless. Both of these girls were in a state one could call inebriated or, to be more accurate, piss drunk. Somehow, it had fallen upon myself and a couple of other girls to take care of these two. The girl I was interested in was completely passed out by the time I'd carried her up to her bed. The other was not. She was still wide awake, and in something of a state. And she asked me why I didn't think she was good enough for me. And I hated myself for not being able to like her, for liking someone else who would have nothing to do with me, and just for being the idiot that I am.

Time marches on, though, and she's married now and, for what I know, happy. The other girl is engaged to be married. Come to think of it, a lot of girls I was interested in or who were interested in me at one time or another are engaged or already married now. I must be behind the times.

But the whole incident that night revealed a facet of my personality that I still don't fully understand. I tend to go after the girls who are, for whatever reason, unattainable. I don't know if I like the chase, or secretly think that I'm better than I really am, or what the deal is. But I tend to fall for the girls who won't have me, while a perfectly wonderful girl is standing right in front of me, beating me in the head with subtle hints that they wouldn't mind going out with me. And I never catch it, because I have no head for subtlety (note to the ladies: most men can't catch subtlty. Be as subtle as a sledgehammer, it's your only hope to get through our thick skulls and the thicker cloud of self-interest we're usually wrapped in). So I sit and mope, and some girl I'm totally unaware of goes unnoticed, and the girl I'm after finds some other guy. That's the usual pattern, anyway. There are variations, but not many.

I don't wish any of the girls ill will, though. Even the ones who wouldn't have me. Hell, especially them, it seems. I have a tough time thinking ill of anyone for not wanting me. I'm a study in contradictions: I think very highly of myself in some regards (I think I'm a decent writer, funny, and maybe even sometimes charming), but I also think I'm not very attractive physically, and that belief creates a sink hole for self-esteem that I collapse in to every time. I think it's probably self-defeating--I don't think I'm attractive, so then I'm not attractive. Or something like that. I also tend to think the girls who are attracted to me could do better. I mean, what is there about me that deserves someone who actually likes and adores me for who and what I am? I don't have to work for anything in that sort of relationship, which is probably ultimately why it'd be dangerous for me to enter one of them. If there's nothing for me to work for, if I don't have to earn someone's respect day after day, I'm pretty sure I'll get lazy, self-absorbed, and stop trying. That's no good for anyone, including me, and especially her.

There have been other girls before and after that incident, but it stuck out in my mind as a sort of obvious representation of my whole situation when it comes to relationships. Like Vizzini, it's like I won't take that which is in front of me (bonus points if you catch the movie reference). It's probably a highly specialized form of stupidity.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Bob Dylan, "Idiot Wind"

"Voices Echo 'This Is What Salvation Must Be Like After A While'"

I spent Saturday afternoon with family. Lots of family--Clif, my parents, my paternal grandparents, great-aunt and uncle, their son and his wife, my paternal aunt and uncle, and their son and his wife and daughter. When we have spontaneous family gatherings, we don't mess around. I spent most of the afternoon doing one of three things--eating (lots of good food), watching football, and taking care of my cousin's daughter. Her name's Bailey, and I think she's just over a year old. It's been a while since there's been an infant Cottrell (if you discount my siblings and myself, who are all infantile in our own special ways), and it's an experience. We're handfuls. It's down to genetics, I think. But it's been rather fun watching Bailey grow up over the past year. I can remember when she was only a couple months old. My cousin and his wife make a trip home about once a month (they are currently living in New Mexico, while his parents live in Midwest City, Oklahoma), so I've had the opportunity to really watch their daughter grow. The last time I saw Bailey, she could crawl. The time before that, she was almost crawling, and just starting to get her teeth. Now she has her teeth, can walk, and can say a couple of words (her favorite seems to be "hi," said loudly, happily, and often. She also likes the "sha-la-la"s in the chorus of Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl," but then again, who doesn't?). It made for a fun afternoon, really, and also made me realize something--I can't wait to have kids of my own.

I think my aunt or maybe even my mother commented on it--I'm great with kids. They seem to be almost drawn to me, as if they recognize that here is someone who, while nominally and chronologically older, is a kindred spirit, a child at heart. Or maybe I just have some weird affinity for them. Whatever the reason, I like kids. They've got this joy to them, this wonder and sense of innocence. They see everything with fresh eyes, as if it were all totally new and totally beautiful. I wish more adults could have that sort of vision.

So yeah, the short version is that I really want kids. Granted, there are all sorts of obstacles--1) I don't have the time to raise a kid right now, 2) I don't have enough money to raise a kid now, and not least of all 3) I don't even have a girlfriend, let alone a wife. I hear that sort of thing simplifies the whole child-making and having process. Call me crazy, I'm something of a traditionalist in that regard. It all just means I can't and won't rush into the whole thing. I have a tough enough time taking care of just me, I can't really imagine what it'd be like trying to care for another life that is totally and completely dependent on me for survival. On the one hand, the idea excites me. But it also terrifies me, as I think having a child would and does anyone. Anyone with sense, anyway.

I think the whole "need a girlfriend, then a wife" thing was especially emphasized when I proceeded to spend all evening by myself watching anime. Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with that--I really like anime. I like people, too, though, and would like to spend a weekend with my friends again sometime soon. Really. So stop hiding from me, people.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: The Police, "Masoko Tanga"

"Romeo Is Bleeding"

How do you tell someone that you have feelings for them, when they seem oblivious to any subtle hints, and you're afraid being too direct will make them uncomfortable? Seems like the sort of question you get to stop asking yourself by the time you graduate high school, right? Well, maybe so, but I haven't really had a serious romantic relationship since high school, so I might be kind of stunted.

But honestly, what can I do? I like this girl, a lot. She's damn near perfect--smarter than I could ever hope to be, funny and warm and cute and interested in what I have to say, and able to make the things she talks about seem interesting, even if I have no idea what she's talking about. And she doesn't mind my weird obsessions, like the Beatles, or anime, or videogames. Hell, she's actually willing to partake of some of them with me, and just smiles knowingly when I mention the others (she actually thought roleplaying sounded fun). I don't think I'd go so far as to say I'm in love yet--I haven't known her nearly long enough to make that sort of bold statement--but this is a girl whom I could see myself falling in love with very easily. And I think she just sees me as that guy she hangs out with. I keep second-guessing myself. She probably thinks I'm some goofy-looking geek, a dork who can be a good friend, but nothing more. But I'm already that for any number of girls; why can't she be different?

I dunno, maybe she still can be. There's still time left in the school year, before each of us graduates from our particular degree program and heads off for parts unknown. Between now and May, who knows what could happen? Anything, right? Or maybe nothing at all. I don't honestly know, and that's probably the most exciting and nerve-wracking thing of all.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Van Morrison, "Goldfish Bowl"

"Steal My Heart Away"

Perhaps it's because I've been listening to a lot of Van Morrison lately, but I've been thinking an awful lot about relationships of late. About what I want out of one, what I expect out of love and a significant other.

I think the other factor is that I keep reading Dav's Live Journal, and Lord knows that's a running theme in his.

Anyway, what do I want out of a woman? There's the usual schtick, I guess--smart, attractive, funny, warm, generous, laughs at my jokes (not all of them, because frankly, they're not all funny), can take care of me (I need taken care of, really, and someone who can keep me organized, because I can't do it myself), etc. It's basically the list of attributes you'll get from virtually anyone of a similar disposition. I want someone who appreciates spontaneous romance, doesn't mind holding hands in public, but also doesn't mind a quiet evening hanging around and doing not much of anything (something I'm very fond of).

But a girl could have all those attributes and still not be right for me. I know I've run across several women who met all or at least the greatest majority of those requirements, yet I did not want to date them. Why?

I actually figured out the answer to this quandary just yesterday. I want someone who is all those things, but who is most of all my equal. I don't want someone who simply looks up to me. I don't want to be on some pedestal (who'd be insane enough to put me on a pedestal remains to be seen). I want a partner, an equal, someone who admires me but is not so in awe of me or what I do that she relates to me in a subordinate manner. I'm not a dominating person, and anytime I've been in a relationship with a girl who was that submissive, it didn't work. It drove me nuts, because I'm indecisive, a natural beta, and I can't do it. I need someone who can make decisions for herself, who can speak up when they disagree with me, and who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm being an idiot (or isn't too blinded by some bizarre, misguided hero worship to even recognize when I'm being an ass). I don't think it's too much to ask, but my recent dating drought might indicate otherwise.

Oh, the Oklahoma Daily, the OU school paper, has been publishing one panel gag comics of mine for a couple of weeks now. Just click on "Opinion," look for Staff Cartoons, and there you'll find me. If you search the archive for "Staff Cartoon," you'll pull up all the stuff I've done for them so far. It's just one more step on my path to world domination.

*Insert maniacal laughter and crack-boom of lightning and thunder in the background here*

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Van Morrison, "Only a Dream"