"On Certain Sundays In November"

I find it hard to believe it's already November. Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away. Christmas and the New Year are just around the corner. My final semester here at OU is only two and half months away from beginning. It's hard to imagine I've already been here almost a year and a half.

Each day marks the longest I've remained in one place since I started college. Oh, sure, I kept the same dorm room for three years at Ozarks. Even had the same roommate(s), Chris and JP. But we always had to move out for Christmas (though we could leave our stuff there) and completely in the Summer, stuff and all, only to haul it all back up three flights of stairs in August again (and that was always hell, let me tell you). When I started attending OU, I lived at home because I hadn't had time to look for an apartment in Norman. I'd been in Yellowstone all summer and only found out I was attending OU my last day in the park; when would I have had time to apartment hunt? But the last week of September, I found the apartment at Parkview. They let me move in, and I started living there full time the first week of October. I'm still there, having lived in the same place through the summer for once. That's a little odd to me, but comforting, too. It's nice having a single place to always come back to, someplace a bit more permanent than a dormroom.

Don't get me wrong--after three years, that room in McLean Hall was starting to feel like home. We always had the same room, I always had the same bedroom in our room (it was a little modified suite--a common room and two little bedrooms). There was continuity there. We'd hang up the same posters again, though each year there were new additions (I still remember when Chris got the Army of Darkness movie poster. That was one of my favorites). When I left Ozarks, it felt like I was leaving home. Especially since the home I was returning to never did feel like a real home. See, my parents moved over Christmas my Junior year at Ozarks, and the house we moved in to lacked a bedroom for yours truly. I sleep in the study when I go back to Shawnee. It's called my room, but there's always a part of me that feels it's not home anymore. Instead, it's where my parents live. Not to mention the fact that the longest I've actually stayed there since we moved has been about a month. The summer between Junior and Senior year was spent on the road with my dad every week, so I was only home for the weekends. The next summer was spent at Yellowstone, and we left only a week after school got out. So the longest I ever stayed at home was when I came back from Yellowstone and lived there for part of August and September.

So I guess I'm developing an attachment to my apartment, despite its rather ghetto-esque appearance and general feel. The toilet doesn't work well, there's no central air, the heater sounds arthritic, the floors are ancient linoleum that I can't keep clean unless I'm willing to sweep and mop every other day (which I'm not), and I can hear the train every time it goes by or the football game whenever we're having one. Despite all these things, the place kinda feels like home. It fits around me like a second, clunky skin of mortar and concrete and aging building materials. It's not the prettiest or most comfortable place in the world, but it's a place to call my own, a space for me, and I'm content with that.

All of which means I really do not want to move come May. But I'll kinda have to, or in late July/early August at the latest. Why? Because it's on to the next school. May seems like the most likely time to move because that's when my lease ends, and I don't want to have to sign a new one just to stay there a couple of months. But at the same time, I have nowhere to store all the stuff I've accumulated there, no place to put it at home. I'm a bit torn as to what to do, to be honest. But I guess that'll all be taken care of as it comes up. No point trying to burn bridges I haven't crossed yet. No, that sort of behavior is only suitable for bridges that've been crossed, because that means then I can't go backwards.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Rhett Miller, "This is what I do"

"I Gave Her My Best Kiss She Gave It Back Again"

I retook the GRE this morning up in Oklahoma City. It's been almost two years since the last time I took it, back on December 26, 2001. At 8:00 in the morning. Eight o'clock in the morning the day after Christmas is a hell of a time to be taking the GRE. Noon on Halloween is much better.

I've basically spent the day in isolation. Since I took the GRE this morning instead of working, I didn't see anyone from work (including coworkers and athletes). I've seen people in the bank, the GRE testing facility, and on the road, but I really haven't had any conversations with anyone. I haven't smiled at anyone today, though I did laugh at some of the stuff my father said over the telephone earlier this evening. But a phone conversation just isn't the same. All the friends I'd have hung out with this evening had prior engagements--either dinners, get togethers with other people, in Arkansas or some other distant state, or attending parties I wasn't invited to or wouldn't be comfortable at. So it's another solo Halloween, just as last year was. That's okay, though--I watched anime instead, and now I'm going to go work on grad school apps (almost got 'em done, thankfully).

The sad thing is, I really need to sort of prepare myself to deal with a lot of isolation. Come May, I graduate from OU. Come August, I'll (hopefully) be attending a university in some other state: either Missouri, Virginia, Ohio, or Wisconsin. I don't really know many people in any of them (I know one person in Missouri, and a few in Virginia, but the person I know in Missouri doesn't live anywhere near St. Louis, and I'm not even sure if the school in Virginia would enable me to pursue my teaching goals). The fact of the matter is, I'm going to be heading off for parts basically unknown in less than a year. Not only that, my discipline is such that I probably won't encounter many people on a social basis. Sure, I'll see people in classes, I'll see people in whatever apartment complex I live in, and I'm sure I'll even get to know a couple of them. But will I be able to form the bonds I have at Ozarks, or even here at OU? The only reason I know most of the people I know here is because I met them through an old high school friend or I already knew them (mostly because they were former Ozarks students like myself). I've only met one person here who is completely unconnected to anyone else I knew prior to coming here, and I work with him. We were sort of thrown into a situation where we had to interact, and it just so happened that we got along and there were circumstances allowing us to just sit around and chat aimlessly for hours, discovering we had quite a bit in common (and that I amused him, something I apparently do quite well for many people).

The fact is, I don't really make friends that easily. It's not that I'm not a friendly, easy-going person, or difficult to like, or anything like that. Part of it is that I'm an introvert, and my basic response to meeting new people is to either withdraw into my shell or make quiet, wry comments until the person laughs. So far, I've basically gotten by on the skin of my teeth and by dint of the fact that several of the people I've met are extroverts. I can't always rely on either factor.

And as I said, my discipline is one which lends itself to isolation. We research, we study, we read, we attend class, we write papers. Historians are actually quite boring people. We don't have much time for socializing, and I've noticed that virtually every other history grad student around here is rather...dour. Somber. Maybe they're just really focused on their discipline, I dunno. But they strike me as rather self-absorbed, unaware that there's a world around them, and too wrapped up in making sure they know everything they can about history that they don't care if they have friends or not. I like history, but I want something outside of it for when I get tired or bored of battles, names, dates, and religious controversy involving people who died three or four hundred years ago. I want living people with energy and life in them.

I guess what it all really boils down to is that I'm afraid to move on, afraid to change. If I can stay in the situation I'm in, where I'm familiar with it and comfortable, then I can continue to feel safe and secure. I can remain happy. But if I change that situation, if I move to a new place where I'm unfamiliar with my surroundings and with the people, there's always the chance I won't be happy there, that I'll be very unhappy. Sure, it's a pretty stupid and irrational reason to not want to face change, to not take a risk, but no one ever said irrational fears would make sense. That would make them rational, and a rational irrational fear is nonsensical, thus being very irrational in and of itself. But I digress.

Ultimately, I think what I really want to do is take all my friends with me, drag them along wherever I go like a security blanket while I suck on my thumb. I know I can't do that, and that even though we'll be in different places we'll still be friends, it doesn't make dealing with it any easier, I guess.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Tom Petty, "Crawling back to you"

"Romeo Is Bleeding"

How do you tell someone that you have feelings for them, when they seem oblivious to any subtle hints, and you're afraid being too direct will make them uncomfortable? Seems like the sort of question you get to stop asking yourself by the time you graduate high school, right? Well, maybe so, but I haven't really had a serious romantic relationship since high school, so I might be kind of stunted.

But honestly, what can I do? I like this girl, a lot. She's damn near perfect--smarter than I could ever hope to be, funny and warm and cute and interested in what I have to say, and able to make the things she talks about seem interesting, even if I have no idea what she's talking about. And she doesn't mind my weird obsessions, like the Beatles, or anime, or videogames. Hell, she's actually willing to partake of some of them with me, and just smiles knowingly when I mention the others (she actually thought roleplaying sounded fun). I don't think I'd go so far as to say I'm in love yet--I haven't known her nearly long enough to make that sort of bold statement--but this is a girl whom I could see myself falling in love with very easily. And I think she just sees me as that guy she hangs out with. I keep second-guessing myself. She probably thinks I'm some goofy-looking geek, a dork who can be a good friend, but nothing more. But I'm already that for any number of girls; why can't she be different?

I dunno, maybe she still can be. There's still time left in the school year, before each of us graduates from our particular degree program and heads off for parts unknown. Between now and May, who knows what could happen? Anything, right? Or maybe nothing at all. I don't honestly know, and that's probably the most exciting and nerve-wracking thing of all.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Van Morrison, "Goldfish Bowl"

"Shout Out These Songs Against The Clang Of Electric Guitars"

I've been dealing with graduate school applications and related things for the past week. There's nothing particularly difficult about any of it, and I really should have done this stuff a month or two ago when I said I would. But part of my nature is to put off doing what needs to be done so I can do what I would rather do; i.e., nothing.

But the applications got me thinking. Originally, I was going to have my Master's degree finished by December. That date has now been pushed back till May. Why the delay? Well, partly because none of the schools I want to attend accept students in the spring semester. Another reason is that I've been putting off doing the stuff related to finishing this degree and getting applications for the next school done. But mostly it's because I don't want to leave.

Now, I know the idea of anyone not wanting to leave Oklahoma seems astounding. Really, it has less to do with the fact that it's Oklahoma, and more to do with what I have to leave here. I'll have to leave comfort and familiarity for isolation and the unknown. To be frank, going someplace I've never been before scares the hell out of me. Washington University in St. Louis might not be too bad, and Union-PSCE in Richmond would put me within striking distance of DC and thus Wendy and the East Coast Crew, but I know no one at either Ohio State or Wisconsin. Out of the four schools I'm looking at, only one puts me anywhere close to someone I know. But here...here, I've just started finally finding people. I've found old friends and new ones alike, and I'm not ready to leave them. I hated leaving Ozarks; after four years, I'd bonded with my friends there so much that the act of leaving actually caused some sort of mental breakdown which I only fixed by spending the entire summer in the beautiful surroundings of Yellowstone National Park (it's amazing how peaceful and restful mountains can be to someone from one of the flat states). I haven't been here as long as I was Ozarks, and I don't know as many people, but I'm no more inclined to want to leave them than I was last time.

The thing is, it's almost like the decision is being taken from me. Most of my friends from Ozarks have already been cast to the four winds, heading out for points known but very, very distant (my roommate and his wife, arguably two of my very closest friends, are in Seattle, WA, of all places, and as mentioned before, Wendy--my absolute best friend--is in DC). I almost don't feel I'm equipped for all these partings, though people (mostly my mother) keep telling me that that's the nature of life--people come and go.

Well, I don't want it to be like that. I want to stay in close contact. I want to be able to still walk across the hall to see my closest friends, to be able to holler across the room at my roommate and then all of us gather in the living room to play video games. I want college to last forever, or at least the communal aspects of it.

I think it all boils down to my ideal place: it would be somewhere where I could stay with all of my friends, some sort of big house or dorm-type building where we could all stay, interacting and laughing and loving. It'd be something of a heaven, really, though I know that term is thrown around a lot. And the saddest thing is, I realize I can't ever have a place like that. The nature of life is that people move on and away. We can't stop them, we can't freeze time at this single moment and make it last forever. We can only cherish the moments and times we do have with those people who make living worthwhile. That's what I want to do, and I accept that nothing will last forever, but I just want to make this moment last a bit longer is all.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Flaming Lips, "Fight Test"