"Last Train To Clarksville"

So it's official: I'm finally taking a trip to Ozarks this weekend. Needless to say, I am very happy about that. I haven't seen any of the Ozarks crew since July. July, people. It's been like 3 1/2, 4 months. That's too long, especially since I didn't get to see everyone on that trip.

Anyway, the very prospect of the Ozarks trip excites me, and I can hardly wait until Friday. But, alas, I have to--there is much to be done between now and then. It does mean I have to start thinking about what CDs I'm going to take. This is a more important task than you can imagine, for the CDs I pack are my only form of entertainment for a good eight hours while I'm on the road. I usually use a case that holds 24, so that gives me a decent variety to choose from. It's just a matter of determining my mood. Do I want to listen to contemporary stuff? Or am I in a strictly classic rock mood? Perhaps a mixture of both? Do I want to listen to polished, carefully and exactingly produced music, or am I in the mood for something with more rough edges? What about lyrical and musical themes? Am I in the mood for slow, sad stuff, or uptempo, energetic stuff?

What'll end up happening is a mixture of all of the above, with a liberal dose of complete randomness thrown in. So far, I've come up with the following obvious choices:

The Beatles, "Hard Day's Night"
Yoko Kanno & the Seatbelts, "Cowboy Bebop" Mix
Van Morrison, "What's Wrong with this Picture?" (or maybe "Moondance," can't decide)
The Wallflowers, "The Wallflowers"
Bob Dylan, "Live 1966"
Gorillaz, "Gorillaz"
Counting Crows, "Hard Candy"
Toad the Wet Sprocket, "Coil"
George Harrison, "All Things Must Pass"
Dire Straits, "Sultans of Swing: The Best of Dire Straits"
Mark Knopfler, "Ragpicker's Dream"

There will be many others, I assure you, but those are the ones I've determined so far.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I'll get to see some friends, take my mind off the hook for a couple of days, and just sit back and groove. And probably get fed. If nothing else, a stop will be made at the infamous Dodge's, and Pizza Stix will be had. Mmm, Pizza Stix. I don't know who came up with those artery-clogging darlings, but they are the epitome of mankind's culinary arts. I mean, c'mon--a flakey pastry shell containing meat, cheese, and all of it deep-fried to a golden brown perfection. It's the perfect food, the solid equivalent of ambrosia. I've been going through withdrawals since July, and I think it's why I've had the shakes the past few days...though that could be related to sticking my finger in the light socket as well, but I have my doubts.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Yoko Kanno & the Seatbelts, "Call Me, Call Me"

"What's Up Sweetcakes"

Do you ever wonder why people sometimes feel melancholy? Why sometimes we're depressed for no reason? Why does the weather affect our moods? If it's sunny outside, we tend to smile more, or if it's dreary and gray, we feel blah and under the weather (no pun intended...I don't think). There's something about late fall and into winter that makes you want to stay in bed all day, not move, not face the outside world. It makes me not want to jog, or leave the apartment until at least my birthday. By the same token, nasty weather (such as rain or snow) always makes me want to move. When I'm restricted to the apartment because of the precipitation, it makes me want to defy that, to go out and go somewhere. I always want to take a road trip when the weather's at its worst, because logic and common sense dictate that I ought to bunker down and wait for everything to blow over.

I was flipping through my photo album this afternoon, looking at the pictures of my friends from these recent years. Looking at all the smiles, all the good times, the moments captured in 3" x 5". It's funny, but most of the pictures are from the last few weeks of school my senior year and graduation, both mine and the one from 2003 (when several of my friends graduated). There aren't many pictures from the four years I actually spent at the school, just from the last few moments I was there. I think that's a part of human nature--while we're in the middle of something, we don't ever think of it ending. In a way, I thought I'd always be with that group of people at Ozarks, that nothing would ever change, that we'd always be there. When it dawned on me that this wasn't going to be the case (I tried to deny it up until about two or three weeks before graduating), I attempted to hurriedly collect evidence that I'd been there for four years, tangible memories and memorabilia to commemorate my time at that place with those people.

I graduate from OU in about seven months. In the almost year and a half that I've been here so far, I've made some rather close friends, people whom I don't want to let go of. And I have nothing tangible to show that I've known them so far, no physical evidence that they've been a part of my life except the occasional faint smile I wear on my face when thinking about them. I need to find my camera. I need to correct this inequity.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Yoko Kanno & the Seatbelts, "Ask DNA"

Friends And Family, Kitch And Kin

On a whim, I decided to go visit my maternal grandparents yesterday afternoon. I knew Scott, my youngest sibling, was going to be there as well; in fact, we'd discussed me visiting over the phone late Thursday night, and decided it'd be a pleasant surprise for my grandmother, who's been feeling low the past few weeks.

Anyway, to make a long story short, our little plan was a success. Scott told Grandma that there was a surprise coming for her. When she opened the door and saw me, her face lit up in a genuine smile, and that alone made the whole trip worth it. On top of that, I got to sit and chat with my grandparents for the afternoon, got a free meal out of the deal, and it occupied most of my otherwise empty Friday.

The trip, though short, was thus probably one of the more worthwhile trips I've taken since I went to Ozarks for Chris and JP's going away party back at the end of July. Come to think of it, that was actually the last trip I made to Ozarks. That's something I plan on rectifying next weekend, though. I need to make another trip to 'Zarks before Thanksgiving, because after Thanksgiving will just be too hectic.

Beyond that, there's not much to say here. I wrote another song while jogging last night. I guess I'll leave you with it. It's rather tongue in cheek, but fun nonetheless. And kinda country-ish, oddly enough. But I still like it. Enjoy the first verse and the chorus.

"Gospel Truth"
Got a posterboard picture of Jesus in my pocket
Got the words of the Holy Father on my lips
Got two blind eyes in my sockets
I'm devout, forgiven, and oh-so hip
Gonna rock and roll all night to the Gospel station
Gonna pray real hard for my salvation
And I know when I take my eternal rest
I'm gonna to the place that's the best.

Amen, brothers and sisters, amen.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Ben Folds, "Rockin' the Suburbs"

"Some Are Dead And Some Are Living"

I heard from a third party last night that an acquaintance of mine, Linda Carcamo, died on Friday. I'm not sure of the details or specifics, other than she apparently drowned, but the news still comes as a shock.

Linda was a year older than me to the day. We always joked about having the same birthday. She was in my graduating class at Ozarks, and she was a bright student. I know she was from Central or South America, but I'm ashamed to admit I don't remember what country exactly.

But that was immaterial. She was a warm, caring individual who never got mad or angry. I never heard her say anything mean or negative to anyone in the four years I knew her. I'm quite sad to say I never got to know her as well as I should have, but you don't really think about that sort of thing when you're college-age, do you? I mean, at eighteen, nineteen, you're pretty certain that you'll live forever, regardless of the evidence. But that's not the case; we're mortal, we're temporary. It just makes me feel almost sick to know that good people like Linda die for stupid, stupid reasons, and evil, cruel people go on living long, comfortable lives. Where's the cosmic, karmic justice? I guess Billy Joel was right when he said "only the good die young," but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

To those who knew Linda, my heart is with you. Though I only knew her briefly, and never as well as I wanted, she touched my life in a very positive, reaffirming way, and she will be greatly missed. Others will be able to describe her life more eloquently than I, and in greater detail, but I hope that my words can be of comfort to someone, even if it's only to me.

~chuck

Song of the Moment: The Beatles, "In My Life"

"On Certain Sundays In November"

I find it hard to believe it's already November. Thanksgiving is only a few weeks away. Christmas and the New Year are just around the corner. My final semester here at OU is only two and half months away from beginning. It's hard to imagine I've already been here almost a year and a half.

Each day marks the longest I've remained in one place since I started college. Oh, sure, I kept the same dorm room for three years at Ozarks. Even had the same roommate(s), Chris and JP. But we always had to move out for Christmas (though we could leave our stuff there) and completely in the Summer, stuff and all, only to haul it all back up three flights of stairs in August again (and that was always hell, let me tell you). When I started attending OU, I lived at home because I hadn't had time to look for an apartment in Norman. I'd been in Yellowstone all summer and only found out I was attending OU my last day in the park; when would I have had time to apartment hunt? But the last week of September, I found the apartment at Parkview. They let me move in, and I started living there full time the first week of October. I'm still there, having lived in the same place through the summer for once. That's a little odd to me, but comforting, too. It's nice having a single place to always come back to, someplace a bit more permanent than a dormroom.

Don't get me wrong--after three years, that room in McLean Hall was starting to feel like home. We always had the same room, I always had the same bedroom in our room (it was a little modified suite--a common room and two little bedrooms). There was continuity there. We'd hang up the same posters again, though each year there were new additions (I still remember when Chris got the Army of Darkness movie poster. That was one of my favorites). When I left Ozarks, it felt like I was leaving home. Especially since the home I was returning to never did feel like a real home. See, my parents moved over Christmas my Junior year at Ozarks, and the house we moved in to lacked a bedroom for yours truly. I sleep in the study when I go back to Shawnee. It's called my room, but there's always a part of me that feels it's not home anymore. Instead, it's where my parents live. Not to mention the fact that the longest I've actually stayed there since we moved has been about a month. The summer between Junior and Senior year was spent on the road with my dad every week, so I was only home for the weekends. The next summer was spent at Yellowstone, and we left only a week after school got out. So the longest I ever stayed at home was when I came back from Yellowstone and lived there for part of August and September.

So I guess I'm developing an attachment to my apartment, despite its rather ghetto-esque appearance and general feel. The toilet doesn't work well, there's no central air, the heater sounds arthritic, the floors are ancient linoleum that I can't keep clean unless I'm willing to sweep and mop every other day (which I'm not), and I can hear the train every time it goes by or the football game whenever we're having one. Despite all these things, the place kinda feels like home. It fits around me like a second, clunky skin of mortar and concrete and aging building materials. It's not the prettiest or most comfortable place in the world, but it's a place to call my own, a space for me, and I'm content with that.

All of which means I really do not want to move come May. But I'll kinda have to, or in late July/early August at the latest. Why? Because it's on to the next school. May seems like the most likely time to move because that's when my lease ends, and I don't want to have to sign a new one just to stay there a couple of months. But at the same time, I have nowhere to store all the stuff I've accumulated there, no place to put it at home. I'm a bit torn as to what to do, to be honest. But I guess that'll all be taken care of as it comes up. No point trying to burn bridges I haven't crossed yet. No, that sort of behavior is only suitable for bridges that've been crossed, because that means then I can't go backwards.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Rhett Miller, "This is what I do"

"With A Little Help From My Friends"

So I was discussing social group dynamics with a coworker of mine last night (yes, this is what he and I do for fun--discuss social theory and anime. Sometimes at the same time. He's an intellectual, and I pretend to be one, so it works). He said he'd noticed that in social groups on college campuses that have graduate programs, a group of undergraduates will often have a "token graduate student." He'd noticed these groups were, in general, more stable, but didn't know why. He also didn't know why there'd be one or two grad students in a group of undergrads.

Then we figured it out, and it seemed blindingly simple--these grad students were most likely only recently graduated from their undergraduate work. At a large institution like OU, I'm sure a high number of the people who decide to get an advanced degree remain at OU. It makes sense--you already know the professors, you know the program and what's available, and it's just easier. Granted, not everyone does, and sometimes you get students like me, who are from a different school. But then again, Ozarks didn't have a graduate program (if they had, I'd have probably continued attending there). So the token graduate student was, until recently, an undergraduate, and this was simply the group he'd been in prior to moving on to the next degree. I know that several of the people I'm friends with were not in the same year I was at Ozarks, or even if they were, a good number of them did not graduate when I did. Even though I went off for graduate school, I was still friends with them. I had the unique opportunity to be the token grad student in two social groups--one at Ozarks, and one here. In the Ozarks circle, it was usually like I'd never left when I went to visit. It felt normal, more like I was returning home than visiting from home. The OU circle, on the other hand, is composed of an old high school friend and several of the people she's introduced me to. This new circle also includes several students who have yet to complete their undergraduate degree, but some of those are also age peers. It's kinda weird, really.

But yeah, it all made sense when my coworker and I thought about it--why would someone abandon their social group just because they were done with their undergraduate degree? I mean, you're isolated enough as it is as a graduate student. You aren't on campus very much except for class or research, you take classes at different times from other students usually (all the history graduate seminar classes in the history department are at night). It would make sense that you'd want to retain your old social group for more than the obvious reason that these people are your friends and have been for a while now. There's the added fact that most graduate students do not socialize with one another. I've never gone out for a beer with a fellow grad student. Never gone over to their place just to hang out, or gone to see a movie. We see each other in classes, perhaps in the library. We are peers, but not friends. It's kinda weird. Also, I noticed a lot of the other graduate students around here are too narrow-focused, too serious in their endeavors, too concerned with becoming "professionals" to want to loosen up, relax, and even just smile. I think I'd go insane and strangle someone if I were like that. I need to interact with people, and while I still get to interact with my friends from Ozarks in a limited capacity, I need people I can call up and go visit without having to make long-term plans or worry about whether or not I have the whole weekend free to do so. I need people who are close enough that we can decide to go see a movie that evening 30 minutes before it starts, not 4 1/2 or 5 hours.

That seems like a weird place to end the rambling, but I'm not sure I have anything else to add. I guess I just consider myself lucky to be included in so many social groups, token grad student or not. To you, my friends, I say thank you.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Counting Crows, "Einstein on the Beach"

"Shout Out These Songs Against The Clang Of Electric Guitars"

I've been dealing with graduate school applications and related things for the past week. There's nothing particularly difficult about any of it, and I really should have done this stuff a month or two ago when I said I would. But part of my nature is to put off doing what needs to be done so I can do what I would rather do; i.e., nothing.

But the applications got me thinking. Originally, I was going to have my Master's degree finished by December. That date has now been pushed back till May. Why the delay? Well, partly because none of the schools I want to attend accept students in the spring semester. Another reason is that I've been putting off doing the stuff related to finishing this degree and getting applications for the next school done. But mostly it's because I don't want to leave.

Now, I know the idea of anyone not wanting to leave Oklahoma seems astounding. Really, it has less to do with the fact that it's Oklahoma, and more to do with what I have to leave here. I'll have to leave comfort and familiarity for isolation and the unknown. To be frank, going someplace I've never been before scares the hell out of me. Washington University in St. Louis might not be too bad, and Union-PSCE in Richmond would put me within striking distance of DC and thus Wendy and the East Coast Crew, but I know no one at either Ohio State or Wisconsin. Out of the four schools I'm looking at, only one puts me anywhere close to someone I know. But here...here, I've just started finally finding people. I've found old friends and new ones alike, and I'm not ready to leave them. I hated leaving Ozarks; after four years, I'd bonded with my friends there so much that the act of leaving actually caused some sort of mental breakdown which I only fixed by spending the entire summer in the beautiful surroundings of Yellowstone National Park (it's amazing how peaceful and restful mountains can be to someone from one of the flat states). I haven't been here as long as I was Ozarks, and I don't know as many people, but I'm no more inclined to want to leave them than I was last time.

The thing is, it's almost like the decision is being taken from me. Most of my friends from Ozarks have already been cast to the four winds, heading out for points known but very, very distant (my roommate and his wife, arguably two of my very closest friends, are in Seattle, WA, of all places, and as mentioned before, Wendy--my absolute best friend--is in DC). I almost don't feel I'm equipped for all these partings, though people (mostly my mother) keep telling me that that's the nature of life--people come and go.

Well, I don't want it to be like that. I want to stay in close contact. I want to be able to still walk across the hall to see my closest friends, to be able to holler across the room at my roommate and then all of us gather in the living room to play video games. I want college to last forever, or at least the communal aspects of it.

I think it all boils down to my ideal place: it would be somewhere where I could stay with all of my friends, some sort of big house or dorm-type building where we could all stay, interacting and laughing and loving. It'd be something of a heaven, really, though I know that term is thrown around a lot. And the saddest thing is, I realize I can't ever have a place like that. The nature of life is that people move on and away. We can't stop them, we can't freeze time at this single moment and make it last forever. We can only cherish the moments and times we do have with those people who make living worthwhile. That's what I want to do, and I accept that nothing will last forever, but I just want to make this moment last a bit longer is all.

~chaos cricket

Song of the Moment: Flaming Lips, "Fight Test"